300 Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh

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Looking for a good laugh? We’ve got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud.

Laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul.

Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins.

So enjoy these 300 funny quotes, sayings, and observations and get laughing today.

Funny Quotes

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

Mitch Hedberg

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Don Marquis
AA Milne funny quote "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day"
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Dylan Thomas

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundes

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein
Elbert Hubbard quote "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive"
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

Ambrose Pierce

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

Ann Landers

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

Arthur C. Clarke

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Bob Hope

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Caroline Rhea

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles Shulz
George Carlin quote "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house"
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Charlie Chaplin

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

Charleton Heston

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Dalai Lama

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Dale Carnegie

Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.

Daniel J. Boorstin

Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.

Emo Philips

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

Alexander Woollcott
Steven Wright funny quote "What's another word for Thesaurus?"
“What’s another word for Thesaurus?” – Steven Wright

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Bill Waterson

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Gertrude Stein

All men are equal before fish.

Herbert Hoover

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

Jean Rostand
Groucho Marx funny quote "Marriage is the chief cause of divorce"
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Katharine Hepburn

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Laurence J. Peter

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Mark Twain

I am only human, although I regret it.

Mark Twain

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Norm Crosby

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

Oscar Levant

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"
“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” – John Barrymore

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Tom Lehrer

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

W. C. Fields

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Sam Levenson

He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.

George Bernard Shaw

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers
Yogi Berra quote "Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded"
“Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.” – Yogi Berra

I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.

Henny Youngman

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

Dennis Wholey

Funny Quotes from Comedians

Nobody provides laughs like comedians. After all, they do it for a living!

These funny quotes are some of the best we could find from hilarious actors and comics alike.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Andy Rooney

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Benny Hill

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

Dave Barry
Stephen Colbert funny quote "Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us"
“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.

George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

George Burns
Conan O'Brien quote "When all else fails, there’s always delusion"
“When all else fails, there’s always delusion.” – Conan O’Brien

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?

George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Jerry Seinfeld

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

Jay Leno

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Jackie Mason

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Johnny Carson
Larry David funny quote "I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk"
“I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.” – Larry David

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Bill Maher

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Bill Maher

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Bill Maher

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.

Bill Maher

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’

Conan O’Brien

The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.

Conan O’Brien

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin
George Carlin funny quote "I’m in shape. Round is a shape"
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

The road to success is always under construction.

Lily Tomlin

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Naguib Mahfouz

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin

Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.

Gilbert Gottfried

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

Gilbert Gottfried

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

Zach Galifianakis

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

Larry David
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap"
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.

Larry David

I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.

Seth MacFarlane

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.

Tina Fey

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Steve Martin

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Mae West

I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.

Marc Maron
Ellen DeGeneres funny quote "Procrastinate now, don’t put it off"
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

Margaret Culkin Banning

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Matt Groening

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Jon Stewart

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

Jon Stewart

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.

Jon Stewart

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Mike Myers
"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours"
“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Milton Berle

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Richard Lewis

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

Rita Mae Brown

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner
Bill Murray funny quote "I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it"
“I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.” – BIll Murray

If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

Woody Allen

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

Bill Murray

Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.

Will Ferrell

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

George Eliot
Ron White funny quote "You can’t fix stupid"
“You can’t fix stupid.” – Ron White

Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.

Thomas Sowell

If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.

Dick Cavett

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

Sid Caesar

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Jay Leno

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

Mae West

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Franklin Jones

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.

Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin quote "I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone"
“I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.” – Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

Ron White

DeBeers should change it’s motto to ‘Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!’

Ron White

I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.

Ron White
"I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill"
“I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.” – Henny Youngman

Quotes to Make You Laugh

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.

Benjamin Franklin

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Bob Thaves

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

Clarence Darrow

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Dave Barry

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Lee Roth

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Earl Wilson
Elon Musk quote "I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact"
“I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.” – Elon Musk

A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

Eleanor Roosevelt

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

George Burns

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

George W. Bush

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

Billy Connolly

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

Groucho Marx
"These drapes are awful.  One of us will have to go."
“These drapes are awful. One of us will have to go.” – Oscar Wilde

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Harlan Ellison

Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Helen Rowland

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

Henny Youngman

Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed.

Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Charles Schulz

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.

Greg Tamblyn

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Jay Leno
Groucho Marx quote "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member"
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

James Thurber

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.

Betty White

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Clint Eastwood

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

Josh Billings

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Kin Hubbard

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Kurt Vonnegut

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain
"What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork"
“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” – Pearl S. Bailey

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Miles Kington

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

Natalie Wood

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Oscar Wilde

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Paul Fix

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

Fatz Domino

“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.

Thomas Lansing Masson

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Robert Orben

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield
John Lennon funny quote "Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes"
“Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.” – John Lennon

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Ronald Reagan

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Sam Ewing

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.

Si Robertson

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright
Stan Laurel quote "If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again"
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” – Stan Laurel

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

H.L. Mencken

I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.

Jay Shulte

I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.

Michael Scott

Hilarious Sayings

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

Ashleigh Brilliant

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Bryan White

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Carl Sagan
Charles de Gaulle funny quote "He who laughs last didn’t get the joke"
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

E. B. White

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ernest Hemingway

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

George Carlin

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.

Voltaire

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

Ronald Reagan
Fran Leibowitz funny quote "You’re only as good as your last haircut"
“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Leibowitz

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston Chruchill

f you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

Jane Wagner

Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.

Jessica Simpson

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

Sam Levenson

Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.

J.R. Ewing, Dallas

A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.

Michael Douglas, Wall Street

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Derek Bok
Karen Linamen funny quote "A waist is a terrible thing to mind"
“A waist is a terrible thing to mind.” – Karen Scalf Linamen

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

H. Kyle Seale

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.

Mark Twain

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Jim Davis

Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.

Joan Collins

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

John F. Kenendy

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant
Homer SImpson funny quote "Trying is the first step toward failure"
“Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson

A camel is a horse designed by a committee.

Sir Alec Issigonis

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Robert Bloch

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

Steven Weinberg

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Steven Wright

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

Samuel Goldwyn

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

Scott Adams

When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’

Sydney J. Harris
"If you come to a fork in the road take it"
“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

W.C. Fields

We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

W. H. Auden

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Will Rogers

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Will Rogers

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Steve Carell, The Office

You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.

Joel Osteen

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Charles Dudley Warner
Oscar Wilde joke "Work is the curse of the drinking classes"
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” – Oscar Wilde

If at first you don’t succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit.

Jim Rome

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

Bill Hicks

Funny Observations

Sometimes simply observing daily life provides enough funny quotes to make you laugh.

These humorous observation quotes are a great way to reflect and add some levity to daily situations.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Al McGuire

Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

Oscar Wilde

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Albert Camus

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Albert Einstein

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers
Robin Williams quote "Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Anton Chekhov

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Charles Wadsworth

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

Christopher Morley

If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

Chuck Palahniuk

A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

Dennis Waitley

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

Desmond Morris

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

Doug Larson

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld
""Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most"
“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.” – Ozzy Ozbourne

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

George Burns

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Billy Sunday

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Mathau

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

Harry Hill

Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.

J. Paul Getty

Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.

Janet Evanovich
Steven Wright quote "You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright

Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

Jeffree Star

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.

Jim Harrison

Americans are incredibly impatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

Jim Rohn

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Navjot Singh Sidhu

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

John Maynard Keynes

Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.

John Wayne

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

Bill Vaughan

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner
"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers"
“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken

A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.

Laurence J. Peter

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

Norm Crosby

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Paul R. Ehrlich

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Robert Frost

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Scott Adams

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Will Rogers

A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

William James
Harold Wilson quote "I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat"
“I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.” – Harold Wilson

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

Zig Ziglar

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Yogi Berra

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Winston Chruchill

Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

Ellen DeGeneris

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.

Mark Withers

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

Marty Allen

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

Rich Hall
Mark Twain joke "The reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated"
“The reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated.” – Mark Twain

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

Doug Larson

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

Demetri Martin

We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day.

Come back anytime you can benefit from a good laugh, and stay inspired.

Updated May 24, 2021.

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Quincy Seale

Quincy is KIM's lead editor and content writer, and has invested in online properties since 2009. Quincy holds an MBA from the University of Dundee and an MSc from the University of Edinburgh, and lives in San Antonio with his wife Natalie, son Alex, and his dog Oban.